Post Partum Depression
Today's blog post is going to be a bit deeper than most. I guess I am reminiscing, as my son turned 2 recently. Thinking back on the last 2 years, I have both good memories, bad memories and some things I don't remember at all. The last 2 years I struggled with Post Partum Depression. Its not something that is commonly talked about, but I thought it was important to address.
At first I thought it was new baby fatigue. I wasn't bonding with my baby the way I had with my first. I felt empty in a weird way. I didn't feel like myself and in fact I didn't know who I was anymore. It was like walking in the fog and everything was muted. I talked with my husband a little bit about it and how I thought that maybe I was depressed. He was supportive but didn't know how to help. So I sought out a doctor and was prescribed anti depressants. But I chose not to take them because I didn't want to become addicted to them. Looking back now I wish I had. I missed out on so much of my sons life because I lived in a perpetual fog. I thought I could fix myself. I tried to be happy, to force myself to get excited over things. But I would come home and cry and cry. I wouldn't shower for days and I didn't care what I looked like. I contemplated suicide many times because I felt so incredibly sad and done with life.
Depression is incredibly lonely. I needed my family the most when I was depressed and yet I found myself pushing people away and getting angry. Im sad to admit that I lived in some form of depression for over 1.5 years. Which has now turned into anxiety. Before I had kids I hadn't experienced any mental health issues. But now it has become a part of my every day. Overcoming anxiety- driving, meeting with friends, having people come over, finances, my kids, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, bedtime. EVERYTHING has been making me anxious. I started making myself physically ill. For 10 months I had convinced myself that my medication was the reason I felt nauseous ALL.THE. TIME. But it wasn't, it was me. My anxiety was making me physically ill. 6 out of 7 days a week, I was feeling horrible and had to lie down/go to bed early. At one point I was able to work through the attacks by deep breathing and relaxation but going through Freedom Session has reawakened a lot of pain I had buried for a long time. Although my anxiety has returned, Im determined to be :free from it: Its not the way I want the rest of my life to be!
Isn't our mind a powerful tool? Its complex and dynamic and so very strong. Yet when it comes to mental health, its not really talked about. My mind had made me physically ill and also stopped it within minutes. It can tell me good things and bad things and everything in between.
The biggest lie of all, is when we portray that everything is ok when it isn't. We post on Facebook and Instagram like life if rainbows and butterflies. When in fact we are so incredibly alone. I think we need change. We need support and know that we can share our bad days with the good because there is no such thing as a perfect life. It certainly is not for me and never has been.
I want to raise awareness and tell my story in hopes that someone, somewhere is reading this and knows they are not alone. Post partum depression, depression and anxiety is real and its hard. But the good news is you don't have to do it alone. Get help, get support and beat it. Don't live a life stuck wandering around wondering if it will ever end. There is a better life. Fight it and fight for yourself.
At first I thought it was new baby fatigue. I wasn't bonding with my baby the way I had with my first. I felt empty in a weird way. I didn't feel like myself and in fact I didn't know who I was anymore. It was like walking in the fog and everything was muted. I talked with my husband a little bit about it and how I thought that maybe I was depressed. He was supportive but didn't know how to help. So I sought out a doctor and was prescribed anti depressants. But I chose not to take them because I didn't want to become addicted to them. Looking back now I wish I had. I missed out on so much of my sons life because I lived in a perpetual fog. I thought I could fix myself. I tried to be happy, to force myself to get excited over things. But I would come home and cry and cry. I wouldn't shower for days and I didn't care what I looked like. I contemplated suicide many times because I felt so incredibly sad and done with life.
Depression is incredibly lonely. I needed my family the most when I was depressed and yet I found myself pushing people away and getting angry. Im sad to admit that I lived in some form of depression for over 1.5 years. Which has now turned into anxiety. Before I had kids I hadn't experienced any mental health issues. But now it has become a part of my every day. Overcoming anxiety- driving, meeting with friends, having people come over, finances, my kids, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, bedtime. EVERYTHING has been making me anxious. I started making myself physically ill. For 10 months I had convinced myself that my medication was the reason I felt nauseous ALL.THE. TIME. But it wasn't, it was me. My anxiety was making me physically ill. 6 out of 7 days a week, I was feeling horrible and had to lie down/go to bed early. At one point I was able to work through the attacks by deep breathing and relaxation but going through Freedom Session has reawakened a lot of pain I had buried for a long time. Although my anxiety has returned, Im determined to be :free from it: Its not the way I want the rest of my life to be!
Isn't our mind a powerful tool? Its complex and dynamic and so very strong. Yet when it comes to mental health, its not really talked about. My mind had made me physically ill and also stopped it within minutes. It can tell me good things and bad things and everything in between.
The biggest lie of all, is when we portray that everything is ok when it isn't. We post on Facebook and Instagram like life if rainbows and butterflies. When in fact we are so incredibly alone. I think we need change. We need support and know that we can share our bad days with the good because there is no such thing as a perfect life. It certainly is not for me and never has been.
I want to raise awareness and tell my story in hopes that someone, somewhere is reading this and knows they are not alone. Post partum depression, depression and anxiety is real and its hard. But the good news is you don't have to do it alone. Get help, get support and beat it. Don't live a life stuck wandering around wondering if it will ever end. There is a better life. Fight it and fight for yourself.
My sweet 2 year old Levi <3 Mama loves you.
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